Violently Happy

Yesterday I had to do it. Finally.

I had to go through a lot of my old stuff -- and burn it!

There was a trunk of clothes, bits of memorabilia in there from my younger days in secondary school and uni, lots of books, lots of published playscripts from when I was studying Drama, design scrapbooks from an honour's project I did in my final year of study in costume design for theatre of the 1920's (I have a real thing for the 20's, not sure why. For a while I thought I might have had a previous life during that decade!) There was work I had forgotten, papers I had written, things I had saved....a lot of stuff I put away years ago thinking I would come back to it later and... do SOMETHING with! But yesterday was the day.

(Enter Mark, Stage Left, walking solemnly towards the bonfire)

There were a few boxes, some of the stuff wasn't even the kind of stuff you would typically burn - old pencils, film negatives, old posters, my grandfather's violin, pages of script that I had written for an agitprop play I helped direct in my last year at school about education cuts by the Ontario government. Piles of papers take forever to burn. Burning laminated posters and negatives are definitely not good for the environment, but I doubt I could hurt this soil more than it has already been burdened.
The violin. I debated whether to do it or not. I was the only one, years ago, who said they wanted it. I claimed it because I thought someone should. When I put it on the fire, part of me inside was screaming not to.

(Mark sits in chair, watching violin burn.
Lights dim as fire grows bigger. Cue wind)

When I first realised the fire had caught it, caught the wood, I wanted to get up and grab it out of the fire. I heard the strings snap in the heat of the fire and curl back. What am I doing!? I thought to myself

(Actor playing ghost, enters stage right. Stands behind Mark. Lights dim further.)

I resisted the urge to get up and take it out. This was part of letting go. The violin was never mine. It wasn't even special to me. It was special to my grandfather. I don't know how to play it, and my grandfather had never played it for me or even in my presence. He had never even talked about playing. I had imagined that I might get it repaired someday and learn how to play. It is a romantic idea. Days like these are full of romantic ideas.

(Actor playing ghost exits stage right.
Lights fade to black. Fire is only light onstage)

My grandfather wanted nothing more than to live his entire life here on this farm, and this he did until the day he died peacefully in the west living room. It is better that the violin stays here with him in the best way that it can, as ash.

(Fire dies and goes out)

Old designs, old papers, you name it, it went in the fire. And it all had the word 'old' in front of it. Someone I know, a friend I made in Asia, Jeff Wong, said that there is only one real test for how much you love something -- whether or not you can let something go. On that note I am not sure I loved all that stuff but I do know that all of it came out of me, and if I really want to find it I know that I need only look inside.

I feel good about that. I have no regrets.

I also did a lot of running around yesterday. Running errands here and there is great when you have a driver's license again, but it is doubly fun when you have a co-pilot.

(Enter Tom, passenger side door)



We sometimes fight over who gets to drive, but he always loses. Whenever I bring up the point that I have thumbs and he doesn't, it's no contest.
So, he looks out the window and gives me the silent treatment,...




but eventually he comes around.

Today we pulled this incredibly old couch out of the hay loft of the barn. I estimated it was made circa 1900. We discussed it and if anything deserved to be restored, it was this piece of furniture. After getting it out, Tom and I took it to the storage barn down the road where some of the furniture will stay for the winter.



THINGS THAT HAVE DISTURBED ME SINCE COMING HOME:
1. Finding KY in the bathroom cupboard, and it ain't mine!
2. Seeing people in town wearing clothes that went out of style in 1985
3. Washing dishes that I know we aren't taking with us
4. Seeing my cousin Jennifer (we're the same age) and her 7-year-old twin boys

Peace